I Don’t Want to Go Home:

Parent’s Guide for  Reentry for Elementary Children

Ronald L. Koteskey

Member Care Consultant

New Hope International Ministries

Copyright 2007

Ronald L. Koteskey

122 Lowry Lane

Wilmore, KY 40390

USA

ron@missionarycare.com

www.missionarycare.com

Permission is granted to copy and distribute this book in its entirety without charge.

Send it to anyone you believe may benefit from reading it.

Please do NOT post this book anywhere else on the Internet.

Contents

Preface

1.   Home

2.   Family

3.   Friends

4.   Thanks

5.   Goodbye

6.   Packing

7.   Traveling

8.   “Home”

9.   Friends (new and old)

10. School

11. TCKs

Appendix A: Acculturation Problem

Appendix B: Recommended TCK Books

Appendix C: Recommended Reentry Books

About the Author

Preface

Written for parents of elementary-age children who are reentering their passport culture, this book is intended to be used as a supplement to We’re Going Home which is written for children in elementary school.  Each chapter begins with examples of Third Culture Kid (TCK) issues in the Bible and ends with suggestions for parents.

We’re Going Home is written at about third grade level, so younger children may find it difficult to read and older children may feel like it is too simple.  If your children have difficulty reading it, please read it to them.  This is not intended to be a textbook in which children do everything.  Offer it to children to do what they want.  You many want to do any of the following:

·         Just read the chapters and not do any of the activities.

·         Read only some of the chapters.  They are in the “chronological order” of a move, but chapters may be omitted.

·         Just do the activities at the end of the chapters (answers are in the appendix at the end).

·         Just do the activities the children like rather than doing them all.  Activities include unscrambling words, word searches, mazes, crosswords, filling in charts, codes, and answering questions.

Art Nonneman, Kathy Nonneman, and Yvonne Moulton made invaluable comments and editorial suggestions on this manuscript as well as on We’re Going home: Reentry for Elementary Children.

Chapter 1

Home

At lunch one day you excitedly announced to your children, “We’re going home!”

Two of them replied, “But I don’t want to go ‘home’!”

This did not come as a surprise to you because four years ago when you left your passport country to move to your host country, they did not want to move either.  However, while talking with them about the move, you realize that there is more to it this time.  You are going home, and they are going “home.”  People in your family have different homes, different places they call “home.”  For some members of your family “home” is their passport country, and for others “home” is their host country.

People may have very similar experiences moving to their host country, yet vary widely in their desires to return to their passport country.  This is illustrated by Joseph and Hadad, Third Culture Kids (TCKs) who had many similarities as found in Genesis 35-50 (Joseph) and 1 Kings 11 (Hadad).

- Both were Israelites (passport country) who moved to Egypt (host country).

- Both went to Egypt under threat of death in their passport country.

- Both were taken to Egypt involuntarily.

- Both had the favor of Pharaoh.

- Both married Egyptian women.

- Both had children in Egypt.

In spite of these similarities, Joseph and Hadad were quite different in their desires about returning to their passport country.  Joseph went to Egypt at the age of 17.  Even though Joseph was in charge of the whole country of Egypt by the time he was 30, he returned to his passport country only briefly to bury his father.  Other than that one short visit because of a promise to his father, he lived another 80 years in Egypt.  His host country was “home” for him.

On the other hand, Hadad went to Egypt when he was only a boy, much younger than Joseph.  Years later as a married man with a family, Hadad wanted to return as soon as he heard that his life was no longer in danger in his passport country.  He asked Pharaoh for permission to “return to my own country.”  Thinking that perhaps he had been a poor host, Pharaoh asked what else he could give him in Egypt.  Hadad told Pharaoh that he did not need anything; he just wanted to go home.  His passport country was still “home.”

Although your children have grown up in the same home, they may be as different as Joseph and Hadad.  Some may want to return to their passport country while others want to stay in their host country.  Either one can be “home” to them.  Most people do not mind visiting another culture, but they want to live at “home.”  Remember that even after you have been back in your passport country for some time, your children may still feel more like citizens of their host country.  For example, some friends of ours brought their children back to the USA after many years overseas.  While at a sporting event they noticed that one child did not stand with his hand over his heart during the national anthem.  When they asked why, he replied, “I’m not an American; why should I?”  This was a full year after they returned.

Suggestions for helping your children

1.  Read Chapter 1 in We’re Going Home with them.  (Read it to them if they cannot read it.)  Talk about it with them after they all have read it.

2.  Let them know that it is all right to feel like their host country is home.  Many adults are “homesick” for their host country after they return to their passport countries.  Home is where the heart is.

3.  Help them locate their passport country and their host country on a world map if they have not already done so.

4.  If you have high speed Internet access, Google Earth is free.  Older children may enjoy looking at the place where they are going.  In many parts of the world, you can actually point out the building in which you will be living.

5.  Tell them where home is for you.

Chapter 2

Family

If you live in a rather close-knit group of expatriates who are like family to each other in your host country, your children may be used to calling other adults in that group “Aunt” and “Uncle.”  This may lead to confusion when you talk about returning to your passport country to meet biological aunts and uncles.

This may not be an issue for older children, but younger ones may not even remember meeting biological aunts and uncles.  To decrease the confusion upon reentry, you may want to talk about various members of your extended family and their relationship to your immediate family.  The usual way is to construct a family tree.  Using this concrete visual aid will help the children see where the family links are.

If you used Joseph (compared to Hadad) as an example in Chapter 1, you may want to follow up in this chapter by looking at his family tree as an example.  Scripture passages showing the relationships in Joseph’s family, including aunts, uncles, and cousin are on the next page.  As you read the verses, you can fill in the names of parents, grandparents, and so forth in the blank family tree at the bottom of the page.

You may trace Joseph’s lineage as follows:

- Joseph was born to Jacob & Rachel (Genesis 30:22-23).

- His brother was Benjamin (Genesis 46:19).  (The passage about Benjamin’s birth is Genesis 35:16-20, but it involves Rachel’s death at the birth.)

- Jacob’s parents were Isaac & Rebekah (Genesis 25: 24-26).

- Jacob’s twin brother was Esau (Genesis 25:24-26).

- Esau’s son by Adah was Eliphaz (Genesis 36: 10).

- Joseph and Eliphaz had other half brothers, but for simplicity (and to avoid the polygamy issue) you may want to ignore these.

- (Answer is at the end of the chapter)

Joseph’s Family

Suggestions for helping your children

1.  Read Chapter 2 in We’re Going Home with them.  (Read it to them if they cannot read it.)  Talk about it with them after they all have read it.

2.  Look over the family tree of the Sarah, Dan, Paul, and Ruth at the end of Chapter 2 in We’re Going Home.  Make sure that your children understand what the boxes and arrows mean.

3.  Make Joseph’s family tree from the account of it in Genesis.

4.  If your children are old enough to understand, talk about where their grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins live.

5.  If you know where you will be living when you return, trace on a map the route between there and where relatives live.  (Or go to a website such as www.mapquest.com and get the directions.)

6.  Have relatives send pictures as email attachments, and talk about each with your children.

7.  Make a poster-size family tree with pictures as well as names, and post it on the wall so that the children can look at it from time to time.

8.  Begin to deal with the sadness of leaving the “Aunts” and “Uncles” in your agency in the host country (more on that later).

Answer for Joseph’s family tree.

Joseph’s Family

Chapter 3

Friends

For children, as well as for adults, one of the most difficult things about returning home is leaving their friends.  Older children may remember leaving friends when they moved to the host country, but this may be the first time younger ones have moved away and left friends behind.

Adults may think that children will quickly adapt and make new friends after the move.  This is often true, but that does not mean that their current friendships are not real and deep.  Although the Bible does not record much about friendships between child TCKs, it does have the story of the friendship of two people probably about middle school age.

Many children have heard the story of David and Goliath in 1 Samuel 17.  We often tell this story to children of all ages, perhaps teaching the song “Only a boy named David” along with the story.  The adults in that story misjudged David.

- While his older brothers were off at war, David was watching his father’s sheep at home (vs. 14-15).

- When his father asked David to take supplies to the older brothers, he expected David to return with news from them (vs. 17-18).

- His oldest brother saw David as someone who had just come down to watch the battle (v. 28).

- King Saul told David that he was not able to fight because “you are only a boy” (v. 33).

- As he approached David, Goliath “looked David over and saw that he was only a boy” (vs. 41-42).

Of course, Saul wanted to talk with David as soon after the battle as possible.  Then notice what occurred next at the beginning of 1 Samuel 18.  Jonathan and David became the closest of friends, “and Jonathan made a covenant with David because he loved him as himself.”  This friendship lasted a lifetime as illustrated in Chapter 20.

- “Whatever you want me to do, I’ll do it for you” (v. 4).

- Jonathan made a covenant with David (v. 16).

- Jonathan had David reaffirm his oath out of love for him (v. 17).

- “Go in peace, for we have sworn friendship with each other in the name of the Lord” (v. 42).

This was a friendship which developed between two people who were “only boys.”  Not many adults develop this kind of friendship even with other adults.

Suggestions for helping your children

1. Read Chapter 3 in We’re Going Home with them.  (Read it to them if they cannot read it.)  Talk about it with them after they all have read it.

2. Friends respond differently when they hear a person is leaving.  Some are happy for you and wish they could leave too.  Others say they will miss you and talk about visiting you there.  Still others talk negatively about their own move “home.”  All of these are normal and to be expected.  Ask you children how their friends responded, and assure them that the responses are normal—not to take them personally if the responses were negative.

3.  Ask your children how they felt about the way their friends responded.  They may feel happy, sad, angry, disappointed, and so forth.  Again all of these reactions are normal, so reassure your children about that.  People feel differently about moving.

4.  Ask your children how they feel about moving.  Again, many emotions and combinations of emotions are normal.  Children may be excited and anxious at the same time or changing from one emotion to the other every few minutes, depending on what they are thinking about at the moment.

5.  Keeping in contact with friends is good, and especially important if you are planning to return to the same host country.  Until the 20th century, the main contact was through mail carried on ships taking weeks or months.   Airmail shortened the turnaround time.  Telegraph and telephone were invented and made contact faster and a bit more personal.  However, today many options are available for “instant,” “personal” contact in our digital world.  Most of them are at little or no cost if you have a telephone and a computer with Internet access.  Your children can now keep in close contact with their friends.

Telephone to telephone.  International long distance rates have fallen to pennies per minute between many countries.  These rates frequently change, so the best way to find the best ones is to type something like “International long distance phone cards” into a search engine such as Google.  Before buying time on the card, be sure to read ALL the fine print carefully because many cards include additional charges such as connection fees, maintenance fees, communication fees, long-talking fees, hang-up fees, pay-phone surcharge, and minutes rounding that add to the price.

Telephone to telephone via computer (also includes telephone to computer or computer to telephone).  To make long distance telephone calls to and from anywhere in the world one can use VoIP (Voice over Internet Protocol) technology.  This requires high-speed (broadband, DSL) Internet access, but involves dialing the area code and number just as if you are in your passport country even though you are in your host country.  People in your passport country can call you in your host country by just dialing your number—free to them if the number you choose is in their calling area, or for domestic long distance charges if elsewhere.  The advantage to this is that it is free or relatively inexpensive for friends and family who do not have computers.  Many are available.  Check www.fcc.gov/voip for current general information.

Computer to Computer: Email and Instant Messages.  Nearly everyone serving in a host country already uses these, and many children have their own email addresses.  Email involves sending a message, then checking for a reply later.  Instant messaging is carrying on a conversation by typing the message and sending it to someone who is on-line and will respond immediately.  This can be done using a dial-up connection.

Computer to Computer: Web cam.  This is the most personal of all because it includes not only hearing the voice of the other persons online, but seeing them as well.  It is VoIP plus the image of the person on the screen.  www.skype.com, like other services, promises “the whole world can talk for free.”  It literally can because the software is free and calls to anyone else in the world who has skype is free.  We mention skype because it is the largest, and millions of people are online at any time.  Simply arrange to be on-line at the same time.

Computer to Computer:  Social Networking.  Within a few years of its beginning MySpace.com had over a hundred million users, from teenagers on up, as well as some preteens who lied about their ages.  Some of these users have been the victims of sexual predators.  Now sites are appearing for children of elementary school age, sites such as www.Imbee.com,  www.ClubPenguin.com,  and www.Tweenland.com.  These “virtual communities” involve chat rooms, blogging, and other activities.  Do supervise your children closely if they are members.

Chapter 4

Thanks

When leaving other family, friends, and any other people with whom we interact, relationship issues arise.  To reenter our passport country well we need to leave the people in our host country.  When there are relationship problems, we many think we can part company and those problems will disappear over time.  That is not the case.

Let us again consider Joseph and his family.

- As 17-year-old Joseph left for his host country (Egypt), there were unresolved issues with his brothers (Genesis 37:1-28).

- When they met about 20 years later, the tension was still there, even though his brothers did not recognize him (Genesis 42:1-24).

- Later when he told them who he was, the tension was still there (Genesis 45: 1-24).

- When their father died, nearly 40 years after their offense, the tension was still there (Genesis 50:15-19).

Time does not heal all wounds.  Such wounds are healed only after sincere apologies, and even then healing takes time.

Another thing needed is to thank people. Failing to express appreciation is nothing new.  Jesus healed ten people with leprosy, and only one returned to thank him.  The others went on their way (Luke 17:11-19).

- Jesus was along the border between two cultures, Samaritans and Galileans (v. 11).

- Ten men asked Jesus for help (v. 12-13).

- Jesus healed them (v. 14).

- One of the men, a Samaritan, returned to thank Jesus (v.15-16).

- Jesus wondered where the others were and pointed out that only the foreigner, a despised Samaritan, had returned to praise God and give thanks (v. 17-19).

Dave Pollock often told teenage TCKs to build a RAFT to go “home.”  He pointed out that people had to exit right to enter right.  Of course, RAFT was an acronym to help teens remember what they needed to do.

- R = Reconciliation (resolve conflicts)

- A = Affirmation (express appreciation)

- F = Farewell (say appropriate goodbyes)

- T = Think Destination (have realistic expectations)

Children may not understand the words reconciliation and affirmation, and they may not need to do either.  Children may be fighting one minute and playing together peacefully the next.  They tend not to hold grudges nearly as long as adolescents and adults.  Therefore, they may have little need for reconciliation, but they should be made aware that apologies may need to be made for any unresolved conflict.  If you are not aware of any conflict, you probably do not even need to bring it up.  However, you may want to suggest an “I’m sorry” if you know of current conflicts.

Children, like many adults, may find it difficult to express appreciation.  Too often we do not tell people how much they mean to us, that they are special and important to us.  Do not force your children to do this, but do “give them permission” to express appreciation to special people.  Let them know it is appropriate, that it helps others let us go, and that it prepares the way for a pleasant return for us.

Reentry into one’s passport culture appears in several books of children’s fiction.  Some of these are mentioned in We’re Going Home, and you may want to read all or parts of the books to your children.  They illustrate various aspects of reentry.

At the end of the nineteenth century L. Frank Baum was appalled at the children’s fiction of the day “with all the horrible and blood-curdling incidents devised by their authors.”  In his April 1900 Introduction to The Wizard of Oz he went on to say that it “was written solely to please the children of today.  It aspires to being a modernized fairy tale, in which the wonderment and joy are retained and the heartaches and nightmares are left out.”

Expressing our appreciation to others often results in those others expressing their appreciation to us.  This is illustrated in Chapter 23 of Baum’s children’s classic, The Wonderful Wizard of Oz.  As Dorothy was about to leave to return to Kansas, she thanked Glinda for her kindness.  Everyone expressed appreciation.

- The Scarecrow thanked Glinda for her kindness.

- The Tin Woodman thanked Glinda for her kindness.

- The Lion thanked Glinda for her kindness.

- Dorothy told Glinda, “You are certainly as good as you are beautiful!”

Then appreciation returned to Dorothy with each noting what it would have been like had she not come.

- The Scarecrow said, “But then I should not have had my wonderful brains!”

- The Tin Woodman said, “And I should not have had my lovely heart.”

- The Lion said, “And I should have lived a coward forever.”

Dorothy then said, “I am glad I was of use to these good friends. But now that each of them has had what he most desired, …  I think I should like to go back to Kansas.”  What a wonderful way to return to one’s passport country!

Since The Wonderful Wizard of Oz was published in 1900, it is in the public domain and available free at http://www.cs.cmu.edu/~rgs/wizoz10.html.  Though this story was intended as a modernized fairy tale for the enjoyment of children, some people find it objectionable because it does have wizards and witches as characters.  If you are one of those people, do not use it with your children.

Suggestions for helping your children

1. Read Chapter 4 in We’re Going Home with them.  (Read it to them if they cannot read it.)  Talk about it with them after they all have read it.

2.  Help them make lists of people to thank.  Make suggestions, not give orders.  For example, say, “You might want to think about writing a thank you note to __________.”  It is best not to say, “Write ________ a thank you note.”

3.  Help them make lists of people they may owe an apology.  Again, make suggestions, not give orders.  A forced apology is seldom, if ever, sincere.

4.  Help them list ways to express their thanks.

Chapter 5

Goodbye

For children, as well as for adults, goodbyes are difficult.  They are the face-to-face part of leaving friends.  No one likes to say goodbyes, and some people avoid them altogether.  They just leave without even saying, “Goodbye.”  This only makes matters worse because there is nothing to bring closure to the time together, and both parties are hurt by it.

You may think that it would get easier to say goodbye when one has done it several times, but that is not so.  Consider the example of an early cross-cultural worker, Paul, as he was returning to his passport country after his third term service.  Before leaving for Jerusalem he met with the elders of the Ephesian church, reviewed his time with them, committed them to God and  ended with a quote from Jesus (Acts 20).

Note what happened next.  “When he had said this,

- He knelt down with all of them

- and prayed.

- They all wept

- as they embraced him

- and kissed him.

- What grieved them the most

- was his statement that they would never see his face again.

- Then they accompanied him to the ship.

- After we had torn ourselves away from them,

- we put out to sea…” (Acts 20:36-21:1 NIV, bullets added for emphasis).

Even after many years of service overseas, goodbyes were accompanied by prayer, hugs, kisses, tears, grief, and the fear that people will never see each other again.  Those are all normal reactions to parting and returning to one’s passport country.  Such reactions do not indicate immaturity, lack of faith, or sin.  They are just human responses to the loss involved with parting.

We considered Dorothy’s expressions of appreciation as she was about to leave Oz in the last chapter.  Notice in Dorothy’s goodbyes as she was leaving.

- She threw her arms around the Lion’s neck

- and kissed him…

- She kissed the Tin Woodman who was weeping…

- She hugged the soft, stuffed body of the Scarecrow…

- She found that she was crying herself at this sorrowful parting from her loving comrades.

Even when writing this fictional children’s story of visiting another country and trying to keep the wonder and joy but avoid the heartaches, Baum wrote very much the same reactions as recorded about Paul centuries earlier.  Parting brings sorrow.

The entire text of The Wonderful Wizard of Oz is free at http://www.cs.cmu.edu/~rgs/wizoz10.html

Suggestions for helping your children

1. Read Chapter 5 in We’re Going Home with them.  (Read it to them if they cannot read it.)  Talk about it with them after they all have read it.

2.  Help them make their lists of people to tell goodbye, and provide transportation to those people if they need it.

3.  Help them make their lists of places they need to tell goodbye and provide transportation to those places.  Again looking at a map or at Google earth may help them see where these things are.

4.  Help them make decisions about what to leave behind.

5.  Help them see some of the things they are glad to leave behind.

Chapter 6

Packing

The Bible does not say much about packing to return to one’s passport culture, but it does give us Jesus’ instructions to his disciples as they began ministry trips within the culture.  Those instructions were basically to “travel light.”

Jesus had been traveling from village to village preaching.  He called his twelve closest followers together and sent them out in pairs to represent him in other villages.

“These were his instructions:

- Take nothing for the journey except a staff—

- No bread,

- No bag,

- No money in your belts.

- Wear sandals,

- but not an extra tunic.”

(Mark 6:8-9)

His followers began with little, and their assignment was to minister to the needs of others.  They would have not acquired much to bring home with them, so they would have returned with little.

Likewise, people returning to their passport countries bring relatively little with them.  Airlines limit how much each piece of baggage can weigh, how many pieces each passenger can bring free of charge.  Often they limit how many total pieces they can bring even if they pay extra.  It is usually more economical to simply sell most possessions in the host country and buy new ones back “home.”

However, when returning with these restrictions, one must make wise choices, choices to bring things that cannot be replaced.  This is true of children as well.  A ragged teddy bear is of much more value (not monetary value) to a child than a new one.  Telling your child to just leave it behind, and they can get a new one when they get home may have about the same impact as someone telling you to just leave your baby there in the host country, and you can have a new baby when you get back to your passport country.

Look around your children’s rooms to see what makes those rooms “home” to them.  As I sit here in my living room writing this, I can look around and see dozens of things that could never be replaced but make it “home” to my wife and me.

Pictures

- Us

- Our parents

- Our children and their spouses

- Our grandchildren

- The church one of us attended as a child

- The general store where one of our parents was born

- Needlepoint with “Mrs. Koteskey  L. C. A.” (meaning Lexington Christian Academy) given by a student

Books on the shelves

- Autographed high school yearbooks

- Autographed college yearbooks

- Underlined and our annotated old travel guides for countries we have visited

Other items

- Clock given for 20 years of service at work

- Videotapes of our family

- Photo albums of more than 40 years of marriage

- Wreath (we made) over the fireplace

The list could go on and on, but you get the idea.     None of these things has much monetary value, but they all make this home.  An interior decorator would probably tell us that the colors as backgrounds in the pictures do not go well with the décor of the room or with the furniture.  That makes no difference to us.  All of them make this home.

Those posters, pictures, and who knows what else that decorate the walls of your children’s rooms make it home.  Bring as many of  them as you can with you—and hang them in their new rooms as soon as possible.  The objects sitting on their dressers, desks, and shelves also make it home.  Bring as many as you can with you.  And, of course, some of the toys and other “collectable” things are really souvenirs with memories attached, memories that make it home.  You cannot bring everything, but again bring as much as you can to make your new dwelling “home” for the children.

Suggestions for helping your children

1. Read Chapter 6 in We’re Going Home with them.  (Read it to them if they cannot read it.)  Talk about it with them after they all have read it.

2. Help them sort out things to throw away.  Remember to be sensitive to their feelings about what has to be thrown away.  Rather than making the decision for them, show them how much space they have and let them choose what to take and what to leave.

3. If they have borrowed things, take them (your children) around to return the objects.  This will probably take more time than your doing it yourself, but will be good for your children’s closure.

4. If some type of “yard sale” is culturally appropriate, have a family sale of items you will not be able to take back home.

5. Teach your children how to pack to get the most things in a suitcase.

Chapter 7

Traveling

Much has changed relative to traveling since Bible times, especially traveling long distances.  Those changes have made such travel easier in some ways but more difficult in others.

Let’s look in more detail of what occurred both before and after Paul said that goodbye and the end of Acts 20.  He had been overseas for several years.

- He had been in Galatia and Phrygia (18:23).

- He had spent two years in Ephesus (19:10).

- He had been in Macedonia (20:1).

- He had spent three months in Greece (20:2-3).

- He traveled back through Macedonia to Troas (20:5-6).

- In a hurry to get back to Jerusalem, he had met the elders of the Ephesus church at Miletus (20:16).

Thus, before that goodbye Paul had spent several years serving in other cultures and was headed back to his passport culture.  Since his travel was by foot and aboard sailing ships, travel took much longer than it does today.  He had been gone at least three or four years, a similar time span to that of some people serving overseas today.

After that goodbye, Paul was in a hurry to reach Jerusalem.  Today he would have been able to be in Jerusalem in less than two hours.  Then it took weeks.

- They sailed to Cos, to Rhodes, and to Patra (21:1).

- They found a ship bound for Phonecia, sailed past Cyprus and landed in Tyre (21:3).

- They had a seven-day layover in Tyre (21:4).

- Aboard the ship again they went on to Ptolemais for a day (21:7).

- Then they sailed on to Cesarea and stayed there “a number of days” (21: 10).

- From there they went up to Jerusalem (21:15).

Rather than arriving back home in a few hours, it took them many days.  Travel was quite similar to this until the middle of the twentieth century.  Although ships with motors were not as slow as the sailing vessels, it still took days or weeks to travel across oceans.  While on those trips people returning to their passport cultures had time to think and talk about their experiences.  They had time for closure and to consider how that chapter fits with others in their life stories.

People returning today have no such time available to them.  They step off the airplane and right into a different life with little time to think about their transition.  Paul had weeks to think before he went to headquarters and reported in detail what had happened while overseas (Acts 21:17-19).  Today people are often expected to step off the plane and the next day get on with life.

After such an assignment, people need time out to rest and process all that happened.  In the chapter on packing we looked at what Jesus told his followers to take with them on their assignment in Mark 6.  When they returned later in that chapter, note what happened.

- They gathered around Jesus (6:30).

- They reported to him all they had done (6:30).

- They were so busy there was no time to eat (6:31).

- Jesus said, “Come with me by yourselves to a quiet place and get some rest” (6:31).

- They went away by themselves to a solitary place (6:31).

These people had just been on an assignment in their passport culture.  They did not have the added stress of living in a different culture.  People who are changing cultures have even more need of such a retreat at this time.

Though air travel has decreased the time needed to travel, it has increased the stress of changing cultures.  We cannot think of better advice for a family changing cultures at the end of an assignment today than Jesus gave nearly 2000 years ago, “Come with me by yourselves to a quiet place and get some rest.”

Suggestions for helping your children

1. Read Chapter 6 in We’re Going Home with them.  (Read it to them if they cannot read it.)  Talk about it with them after they all have read it.

2. If your children have traveled a lot recently, you probably do not need to do much now.

3. If you are using a different form of transportation, prepare your children for it.  We’re Going Home prepares them for air travel.  However, if you are traveling by train or ship, prepare your children for that.

4. Debriefing took place during travel in Bible times.  Since that usually does not happen today, we suggest a “reentry” retreat after you return “home.”  We will give further suggestions in the next chapter.

Chapter 8

“Home”

In Chapter 7 we noted that when the disciples returned from a time of service in their own culture, they reported to Jesus what they had done.

They were not the only people who reported.  People returning from cross-cultural ministry did too.  When ever Paul and a traveling companion returned, they reported.

- Paul and Barnabas “reported all that God had done through them…” (Acts 14:27).

- Paul and Barnabas “told how the Gentiles had been converted” (Acts 15:3).

- Paul and Barnabas “reported everything God had done through them” (Acts 15:4).

- Paul “reported in detail what God had done among the Gentiles through his ministry (Acts 21:19).

Of course, one part of this was that the people needed to know the information, but another part of it was that it is good for people to talk about their experiences when in transition.

Hagar was in transition when the angel found her near a spring in the desert.  The angel asked her two questions.

- “Where have you come from?”

- “Where are you going?” (Genesis 16:8)

The angel had not just stumbled across this woman in the desert and was now trying to find out information about her.  The angel wanted the woman to verbalize her experiences and her expectations.

Going back even further, Adam and Eve hid from God among the trees at the beginning of their transition out of the Garden.  God asked them.

- “Where are you?” (Genesis 3:9).

- “What have you done?” (Genesis 3:13).

God was not having a problem with his omniscience that day.  He was not trying to find them and find out what they had done.  They were in a major transition, and he wanted them to verbalize.

Anyone in such a transition needs to verbalize where they have been, what they have done, and where they are going.  Your children (and you as well) need to put your thoughts and feelings into words to see how this recent chapter in your lives fits in with earlier chapters and leads to future ones.

This can be done in a formal manner by attending a reentry seminar/retreat facilitated by a leader.  These may be offered by your agency, or you may attend such reentry events offered by others.  If you are not able to attend something like this, you may want to have your own family reentry retreat.

Suggestions for helping your children

1. Read Chapter 8 in We’re Going Home with them.  (Read it to them if they cannot read it.)  Talk about it with them after they all have read it.

2.  The majority of people have difficulty when changing cultures.  We wrote Appendix A for our reentry book for adults, and we have included it as an appendix in this book as well.  We suggest your reading it to know what is “normal” for people changing cultures.  You may want to share parts of it with your children.

3.  Written by an Anglican priest in 1865, Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland has become a children’s classic and is in the public domain.  The full text is available at http://www.sabian.org/alice.htm.  If you want the original illustrations as well as the text, that version is available at http://www.cs.cmu.edu/~rgs/alice-table.html.

4. Give your children phone numbers they may need when they find they need information or help.  You may want to use the form in We’re Going Home.

5.  Do what Jesus said, “Come with me by yourselves to a quiet place and get some rest.”  While at that quiet place, have your own family reentry retreat.  Here are some suggestions: (The more you can implement, the better chances of success.)

Find a quiet place (where no one will disturb your family).  This may be a retreat center (some offer facilities free to missionaries), someone’s second home (a cabin in the woods), or even a suite at a motel/hotel.  Following are two organizations who provide such places:

(1) Missionary Care Ministry in Bogart, GA, (near Athens) www.missionarycareministry.org invites singles, couples, and large families to stay free of charge at the Snows Mill Guesthouse for up to a month.  Children are welcome, and some meals are included.  (2) Quiet Place Ministries in Jackson, MI www.quietplaceministries.org rents cottages or cabins in quiet, peaceful settings for missionaries to have a retreat at no cost for lodging.  Children are welcome, but meals are not included.

Leave behind all electronic equipment so that your family has to talk with each other.  That means no pagers, cell phones, computers, televisions, VCRs, DVD players, ipods, gameboys, PlayStations, and so forth.  These all hinder social interaction and will defeat the purpose of having a retreat.

Don’t make it formal time with scheduled sessions.  Instead talk about it while eating, hiking, swimming, or other activity during which you can talk.  Encourage everyone to participate, but don’t force.  Facilitate gently and be very careful not to ridicule anything.  At some time try to include at least the following three topics: (1) how they feel about being home, (2) what cultural differences they notice between the their host culture and their passport culture, and (3) what changes they see in their passport culture.

We suggest downloading our reentry book for adults, Coming “Home”: The Reentry Transition.  Don’t use the book as a text, but you will find many ideas in it.  You will find information and sample questions about good things from past, bad things from past, the present, and plans & dreams for the future.

Chapter 9

Friends (new and old)

Nehemiah was a Third Culture Kid born in his host country.  Though he had probably never visited his passport country, he was still very interested in it.  When his brother came to the host country, Nehemiah asked about the people in his passport country and about its capital city.

When Nehemiah heard that the capital was in shambles and his people there were troubled and disgraced, he wept.  Nehemiah, like many TCKs, was an outstanding man, and he was in a prominent position in his host country.  Not only did he have compassion but also he took action.

- He fasted and prayed (Nehemiah 1:4).

- He asked his boss for a leave of absence to go to the capital of his passport country to rebuild it (Nehemiah 2:5).

- He took letters of introduction and recommendation (Nehemiah 2:7-8).

- He privately surveyed the needs before taking any action (Nehemiah 2:12-16).

Though he was an adult TCK rather than a child, his approach to the citizens there was one that resulted in making friends and mobilizing those new friends.  Notice the pronouns he used when talking with them (2:17-18).

- You see the trouble we are in…

- Come let us rebuild the wall of Jerusalem,

- And we will no longer be in disgrace.

His identifying with them resulted in their joining him, and they replied, “Let us start rebuilding.”  Then he proceeded to use his administrative ability to organize their efforts (Chapter 3), overcome opposition (Chapter 4), and resolve disagreements (Chapter 5).  The result was that a wall which had been in ruins for more than a century was rebuilt in only 52 days.

Like Moses, Joseph, Daniel, Esther, Nehemiah, and Paul, your TCKs have great potential.  Though they may not fit perfectly into the cultures in which they have been raised, they are a part of all of those cultures.  They are able to relate to people in various cultures.

They may need help from you in making friends as children reentering their passport culture, but later in life as adults they will realize their potential.

They may think that the problems they have in making friends is because they have lived in other cultures, but anyone moving to a new location even in the same culture faces many of them for the following reasons.

1.  When moving to a new place, children there already have a circle of friends.  Being accepted into that group is difficult for anyone new.  It takes time, perhaps weeks or months, to become an integral part of any group.

2.  “Marginal” children who are not in a group often want to befriend new children so that they can have friends too.  Anyone moving faces this.  It has nothing to do with being a TCK.

3.  The children with whom they will have the most in common are other TCKs.  It makes no difference what their passport countries are or which host countries they have lived in.  TCKs are a “cultural” group themselves and will find much in common with other TCKs from any combination of countries.

Suggestions for helping your children

1. Read Chapter 9 in We’re Going Home with them.  (Read it to them if they cannot read it.)  Talk about it with them after they all have read it.

2. Well-known scholar, author and Christian apologist, C. S. Lewis, wrote The Chronicles of Narnia for children.  Near the end of the best-known work, The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe, Lewis shows his remarkable insight into returning to one’s passport country.  Dramatizations of this book often leave out this insight, so we recommend reading the book to your children, at least reading the last part quoted in We’re Going Home.

3. Take your children places where they will meet new friends.

4. Encourage them to participate in activities in which they can make new friends.

Chapter 10

School

Many parents today believe that the state is responsible for the education of their children.  This was not the case until the beginning of the twentieth century.

Several thousand years ago Moses, a well known TCK, called his people together while traveling from their host country to their passport country.  After presenting God’s commandments to them, Moses said, “These commandments that I give you today are to be upon your hearts.

- Impress them on your children.

- Talk about them when you sit at home

- and when you walk along the road,

- when you lie down

- and when you get up.

- Tie them as symbols on your hands

- and bind them on your foreheads.

- Write them on the doorframes of your houses

- and on your gates.”  (Deuteronomy 6:5-6)

It was clear that the commandments were to be taught by the parents as they went about daily life.  In addition, all other education was seen as the responsibility of the parents as well.

Among those ancient Hebrews, parents were responsible for the education of their children.  The Talmud said, among other things, that the father was to “teach him Torah, take a wife for him, and teach him a craft.”  Notice that the father had two teaching duties, one religious and one occupational.

Roman parents educated their own children too.  Mothers taught both boys and girls reading, writing, and arithmetic.  The girls stayed with their mothers, but at about the age of seven boys went with their fathers.  If the father was a farmer, the boy went to the fields with him.  If he lived in Rome, the boy joined him at work learning about business and government.

In the American colonies parents were still responsible for educating their children.  In 1774 John Adams wrote his wife about their son, “Tell him I hope to hear a good account of his acidence and nomenclature when I return.” He went on to say that the education of his children was never out of his mind.

Problems arose when some parents and masters in the Massachusetts Bay Colony did not fulfill their obligations.  The colony passed a law that the selectmen of each town were to watch the “calling and employment of children,” and “especially of their ability to read and understand the principles of religion and the capital laws of the country.”  If they found children not getting such an education, they were to apprentice the children to masters who would teach them.  This was a new day in education.  The state began to act in the place of the parents.

It was only one more step to move from the state acting in the place of the parent to the state taking the place of the parent.  Today most educators see themselves as having primary responsibility, with the parents’ role being to cooperate with them.  Many parents also see that as their role.  However, other parents now, as parents for thousands of years did, see the education of their children as their responsibility.  This is especially true of Christian parents.

This responsibility can be carried out in many different ways today, and Christian parents use a variety of those ways.

- Public school.  Some parents send their children to the state run public school in their community and supplement that with a Christian perspective at home.

- Secular private school.  Other parents send their children to secular private schools where they believe the children will get a better education than at public school and supplement that with a Christian perspective at home.

- Christian private school.  Still other parents send their children to a Christian school where subjects are taught from a Christian perspective.

- Home school.  Some parents educate their own children at home.  They may use any of the variety of curriculums available, some with VHS cassettes or DVD disks available to present the lessons.

- Cooperative home school.  Other parents band together with like-minded parents and share the teaching responsibilities in “mini schools” of just a few students with parents teaching.

- Home school associations.  Associations of home school parents have formed in some communities where those teaching their children at home get together for special events, such as field trips, attending plays, and so forth.

- Home school and other institutions.  Still other parents do some home school and some school in cooperation with other institutions.  For example, their children may attend the public school for physical education, for band, and so forth.  Colleges may provide science labs and music classes for local home school students in their community.

With all of these types of education potentially available, how is one to decide which to use?  Here are some factors to consider.

- Availability.  Although home school and public school are always available, other methods may not be.  There may be no private schools or other institutions nearby and no other home school parents who want to participate.

- Cost.  Private schools and other institutions may be available, but their costs may be prohibitive.  Other home school people may want to do things that you cannot afford.

- Transportation.  Other means may be available and you can afford them, but you may not have transportation to get your children to and from school and events.

- The child’s age.  The need for learning social skills and relating to one’s peers may vary with age.  Kindergartners and first graders may not be as adamant about having others their own age available during school as teenagers are.

- Special needs.  If your child has some kind of learning disability that requires special teaching methods, you may want to find a place where that was available.

- The child’s preference.  Though you do not want to base your decision solely on what the child wants, you would be wise to consider his or her preference.  If the child is going against his or her wishes, other problems may develop.

- Length of time and part of the year in your host country.  If you are there for three months during the summer when school is not in session, none of these factors are relevant.  If you are there for four to six months and would change in the middle of the academic year you may come to a different decision than if you were there for a full academic year.

- Family travel.  If you will be traveling as a family to report what you have done or to raise support to return, that may be an important consideration.

Remember that children are different.  Consider what is best for each child.  All children in the same family may not profit from the same kind of education, and the same child may require different kinds of education at different ages.  Find what is best for each child at this particular time in his or her life.

Suggestions for helping your children

1. Read Chapter 10 in We’re Going Home with them.  (Read it to them if they cannot read it.)  Talk about it with them after they all have read it.

2. List the advantages and disadvantages of the various options available to you

3.  Make your decision.

Chapter 11

TCKs

Many Third Culture Kids are committed to God and live exemplary lives, such as Joseph, Moses, Joshua, Esther, Daniel, and Paul in the Bible.  Children today often learn about these outstanding TCKs in the Bible stories their parents read to them or in the Sunday school classes they attend.  TCKs today are also generally outstanding people.  They have a much broader world-view and often live lives of service to God and others.

However, not all TCKs are good.  The Bible also gives us examples of these in the family of Lot in the Book of Genesis.  Let us consider the lives of Lot and his children.  The story of Lot’s childhood is found in Genesis 11:27-32.  Lot’s father, not a TCK, lived and died in Ur (now southeast Iran).  After his father’s death Lot’s grandfather took him along with Lot’s Uncle Abram and Aunt Sari to live in Haran (now southeast Turkey).

After Grandfather died, God told Uncle Abram to leave his country, his people, and his family as he moved to Canaan (now Israel).  Lot then proceeded to live in a variety of cultures with Uncle Abram.

- Ur (now Iran): Genesis 11:28

- Haran (now Turkey): Genesis 11:31

- Canaan (now Israel): Genesis 12:5

- Egypt: Genesis 12:10

- Canaan again: (Genesis 13:3)

Lot lived in at least two cultures during his developmental years, making him a TCK.  He went on to live in still other cultures as an adult, as many TCKs do.  When he and Uncle Abram returned to Canaan, they were each so wealthy that the land could not support them both living near each other.  At that point we begin to see weaknesses in Lot.

- Uncle Abram suggested that they part and gave Lot first choice of land.  Rather than giving the best to the uncle who had raised him, Lot chose the best for himself (Genesis 13:11).

- Although Lot could have lived near several cities on the plain, he chose to live near Sodom where people were wicked and openly living in sin (Genesis 13:12-13).

- Later, Lot moved into Sodom itself and remained there (Genesis 14:12).

Not only did Lot move into Sodom, but also Sodom’s values moved into Lot and his family.  This is evident when we look at what happened.

- When two angels were staying at his house, the men of Sodom thought the angels were men and wanted to have sex with them.  Lot refused, but he offered the men his two virgin daughters instead (Genesis 19:4-8).

- When his family was running from the city, Lot’s wife disobeyed the command not to look back.  She turned into a pillar of salt (Genesis 19:15-26).

- When his daughters realized there was no one to carry on the family name, they plotted together to get Lot to have sex with them (Genesis 19: 31-35).

- Through that incestuous relationship both of his daughters became pregnant by Lot himself (Genesis 19:36-38).

Ironically Lot carried out his proposal to the Sodomites (sex with his daughters) himself!  TCKs have great potential to do things pleasing to God or things detestable to God.

Third Culture Kids Today

Dave Pollock and Ruth Van Reken wrote an excellent book about TCKs, Third Culture Kids: The Experience of Growing Up Among Worlds.  In that book, they list many advantages and disadvantages of being a TCK.

·         Expanded worldview versus confused loyalties

·         Three-dimensional view of the world versus painful view of reality

·         Cross-cultural enrichment versus ignorance of the home culture

·         Adaptability versus lack of true cultural balance

·         Blending in versus defining the differences

·         Less prejudice versus more prejudice

·         The importance of now versus the delusion of choice

·         Appreciation of authority versus mistrust of authority

·         Real arrogance versus perceived arrogance

TCKs may chose to exploit their advantages or yield to their disadvantages.  They may become outstandingly good or outstandingly bad.

Suggestions for helping your children

1. Read Chapter 11 in We’re Going Home with them.  (Read it to them if they cannot read it.)  Talk about it with them after they all have read it.

2. Chapter 11 in We’re Going Home presents TCKs in a very favorable light.  We did that to build their self-esteem.  Encourage them to develop an appreciation of being a TCK.  However, if they become proud and overconfident, please point out that they have potential for good or evil.  You may want to do a Bible study on Lot the TCK as outlined above.  Of course, you will want to tailor your presentation to the maturity and knowledge of your own children.  The material in Genesis 19 may be appropriate to teenagers but not for elementary age children.

3.  If you have children in upper elementary grades, we recommend getting a copy of David Pollock and Ruth Van Reken’s book, Third Culture Kids: The Experience of Growing Up Among Worlds which was published in 2001 by Intercultural Press, Yarmouth, ME, USA, and Nicholas Brealey Publishers, London, UK.  This book will help you understand your children as they move into their teen years, and help them understand themselves as they move through those years.

Appendix A

Acculturation Problem

At the end of the manual describing mental disorders (DSM-IV) the American Psychiatric Association has a chapter titled “Other Conditions That May Be a Focus of Clinical Attention.”  After 675 pages describing mental disorders, this brief chapter lists conditions that are NOT mental disorders, but they may be distressing to individuals or interfere with their functioning.  These other conditions have a “V” before their code number, and they include the following as well as many others.

·         V62.2 Occupational Problem

·         V62.3 Academic Problem

·         V62.4 Acculturation Problem

·         V62.82 Bereavement

·         V62.89 Religious or Spiritual Problem

Just as normal individuals may have a problem with work, with school, or with grief, they may also have an “Acculturation Problem.”  The DSM-IV says only, “This category can be used when the focus of clinical attention is a problem involving adjustment to a different culture (e.g., following migration).”  Although the DSM-IV does not elaborate on this problem experienced by normal people, a description of what it might be like for ordinary cross-cultural workers who reenter their passport countries is helpful.  We have written the following description.

Acculturation Problem

(The Reentry Transition)

Diagnostic Features

When reentering their passport culture many people experience the Acculturation Problem that some people have called “reverse culture shock.”  During the time these people were in their host culture, both they and their passport culture have changed, so they become aliens in their own country.  They find that, rather than feeling at home where there are routine interactions, predictable events, and few surprises, the environment is confusing and even disgusting or “wrong.”  Rather than feeling safe and secure where they can trust their instincts and be themselves, they feel vulnerable, anxious, fearful, and always have to think about what they do.  This is often disconcerting because if people do not feel like they belong at home, where do they belong?

Such people may experience great disappointment when their expectations are not met.  They may become angry and then allow the anger to become resentment or bitterness.  They may become alienated, critical, or maybe cynical.  In their frustration they may withdraw from people, even family, so that they become isolated and lonely.  They may find themselves being easily offended, judgmental about their home culture, and even depressed.  They may become angry at their culture for the great materialism they see, especially the great wastefulness as they see “good, useable” things discarded.  These feelings are typically greater if the people had a wonderful time in their host culture and less if they had a difficult time.

Christian cross-cultural workers may become disillusioned by the church in their passport country, even by their “home church.”  As one returning cross-cultural worker put it, “Our church is comatose and doesn’t even know it.”  Experiencing the different worship styles, they sense a lack of spirituality in the churches they visit.  When there is little response to their impassioned pleas for help for people in their host culture, they may perceive a great apathy in the church in general.

When returning home, they may see familiar faces, but not familiar people.  Both they and the people they knew have changed.  “Familiar” places are not familiar any more.  When returning to the same church, they find that the people there are not really the same anymore; they have little in common, and they cannot break into the group again.  People back home seem to have such narrow perspectives on events, and the returning ones do not know where they fit, so they sense that they are forming temporary relationships.  They miss the closeness of the expatriate community in their host culture when returning to a culture that places the emphasis on the individual.  They may misinterpret gestures and other “signals” so that they become marginal people who must initiate relationships rather than being sought out.

Of course, they must remember that loneliness and unpleasantness are often the beginning of insight and personal growth.  In a sense they have become cultural hybrids who are temporarily homeless, at home in neither their passport culture nor in their host culture.  However, when they are able to put their cross-cultural experience in perspective and see how it relates to their whole life story, they usually find out that they can still hold on to their new values and attitudes and once again feel at home in their passport culture.

Associated Features and Problems

Several other problems may occur simultaneously with the Acculturation Problem.  Since the nature of work is likely to change following repatriation, a V62.2 Occupational Problem may occur.  Returning to their passport country people often find their work increasing in security but decreasing in significance.  Instead of being in charge, they often are expected to blend into their agency with everyone else.  Likewise schools are likely to be different for children and adolescents.  Instead of home schooling or schools with small classes, they may find themselves in large schools with a resulting V62.3 Academic Problem.  Note that these are V-codes, and not mental disorders.

Religious people may develop a V62.89 Religious or Spiritual Problem.  Religious people may experience the normal anger, cynicism and depression and come to the conclusions that something is wrong with their religion.  Even though nothing is wrong, this can lead to a spiritual problem.  Cross-cultural workers in particular changing from “religious work” to raising money may feel guilty about not doing what God had called them to.  Again note that this is a V-code, and not a mental disorder.

Mental disorders such as a 300.02 Generalized Anxiety Disorder or a 296.2 Major Depressive Disorder may develop if the normal anxiety or depression associated with an Acculturation Problem lasts for an extended period of time.  These are mental disorders and individuals with these long-term problems should seek help from a mental health professional.

Specific Culture, Age, and Gender Features

Children are often quite verbal about not wanting to return to their parents’ passport country, but they usually adjust quite rapidly.  The younger they are, the more rapidly they adjust.  Within a few days or weeks younger children make new friends and are playing happily with them.

Adolescents, likewise, may not want to return.  Relationships with one’s peers are extremely important during the teen years.  Suddenly leaving peers and trying to break into a new group in a society of teenagers can be a very difficult task, so adolescents may want to avoid it and have great difficulty when forced to do so.  This may involve acting out and result in getting into serious trouble.

Relationships are also very important to women.  Giving up a close-knit group of friends on the field and trying to find like-minded women in her passport country may be difficult, especially since many may be working.

Men are more likely to experience a loss of identity as their job changes.  On the field they may be involved in anything from church planting to construction to teaching.  On home assignment they are often on the road raising funds to go back.  As one man put it he was going through “making a difference withdrawal.”  On the field he made the difference between life and death, but back home, if he were not there, people in need could just go to someone else.

Familial Pattern

What we call “reentry” for Third Culture Kids may not be reentry at all, but really entry to a “foreign” country.  That is, they are entering the country from which their parents came, but they have never really lived there any length of time themselves.  They may have visited grandparents and other relatives there briefly, but real home for them is what their parents call their host country.  Thus, their Acculturation Problem is one of entry, not reentry.

Prevalence

Experiencing the Acculturation Problem upon reentry is very common in that about two-thirds of the people who return to their passport country experience significant discomfort.  The other one-third reenter with little difficulty beyond a relatively rapid adjustment to technological changes.  People usually expect an Acculturation Problem when entering their host culture because of the widely used term “culture shock.”   However, upon returning to their passport culture many people are surprised to find that there is a “reverse culture shock,” and that it is often even a more difficult adjustment.

Acculturation Problems may occur each time one changes cultures.  Some people report each successive reentry becomes easier, probably because they expect the problems and have learned how to adapt to them. Other people find successive reentries  more difficult, particularly if the latter ones involve leaving children and/or grandchildren in the host country.

Course

Each episode typically includes three stages: leaving, “in between,” and entering.  The “leaving” stage begins several weeks or months before actual departure when the cross-cultural workers start anticipating the return “home” and separating from the work in the host country.  This stage is marked by receiving attention and recognition from others at receptions; saying goodbye to persons, places, and pets; withdrawing from their work as they turn it over to others, and generally bringing closure to their time on the field.  At this time they are disengaging from their past and turning their attention toward their future.  They may be in denial that it is already time to return and have feelings of rejection, resentment and sadness.

The “in between” stage begins when the cross-cultural workers leave for the airport and end when they unpack their minds, not their suitcases.  During this time they are without status, structure, and even keys.  In this time of chaos they may feel overwhelmed and isolated, as well as exaggerating their problems. Their self-esteem may drop and they may become anxious over the future and grieving over their losses in the recent past.

The “entering” stage begins when the cross-cultural workers have unpacked their minds and continues until the cross-cultural workers have re-engaged with their passport culture.  During this time they realize that they are marginal persons and are in rather superficial, tentative relationships.  Reentering cross-cultural workers may misinterpret verbal and nonverbal behaviors and make errors in responding.  They may feel vulnerable, fearful, and may be easily offended.  They may find it difficult to trust people and even experience depression.  Some experience a “honeymoon” period immediately after they reenter when everything is seen through rose-colored glasses.  Then this may be followed by a period of disillusionment when everything is viewed through rust-colored glasses so that they notice materialism and superficiality in their home culture.  During this time they may become angry, judgmental, bitter, lonely, fearful and isolated.

This entering stage may take only a few months, or a year (a full annual cycle), or never be completed.  Some cross-cultural workers are unable to complete this stage and remain disillusioned for the rest of their lives. Some return to their host culture after retirement to spend their final days there.

Some say that people know they have fully reentered their passport culture when they do the following things.

·         They stop carrying toilet paper everywhere.

·         They are not afraid to swallow water while showering.

·         They do not get nervous when they eat lettuce.

·         They drink water with ice in it.

·         They buy cherries or grapes along the highway and eat them.

·         They use tissues to blow their noses.

Again note that an Acculturation Problem is not a mental disorder, but people who do experience in should know that it is normal.  Those who do not have similar reactions, thoughts, or feelings need to be aware of the problems other normal cross-cultural workers face.  Also note that the above description is written for this booklet—all the DSM-IV says about it is “This category can be used when the focus of clinical attention is a problem involving adjustment to a different culture (e.g., following migration).”

Appendix B

Recommended TCK Books

Here is a list of books that are available, reasonably priced, and helpful.  The following criteria were used to decide whether or not to include a book:

·         In Print.  The books listed are available for purchase.

·         Reasonably Priced.  None of the books included cost more than $25, and two-thirds are under $15.

·         Variety.  Some are written for the general public, some for missionaries.

·         Complete Data.  Price, ISBN number, and complete publication data are included, so when friends ask what you would like, any bookstore should be able to order the book.

·         All these books can be ordered on-line at www.amazon.com and/or www.mti.org (check both for prices, including shipping).  They can also be ordered from MTI by mail, by fax, or by phone.

Parents

Pascoe, Robin. (2006).            Raising Global Nomads:  Parenting in an On-Demand World. Expatriate Press, Vancouver, BC, Canada. (ISBN 0-9686760-3-0) $24.95; 10 chapters, 230 pages, appendix.  Written by the mother of TCKS, this book is filled with personal experiences as well as much practical advice on living in other cultures.  Much has changed in our world since 1993 when the author wrote her parents guide.  This update considers implications for TCKs growing up outside their passport culture in this globalized, digitized, terrorized world.

Knell, Marion. (2001). Families on the Move: Growing Up Overseas and Loving It. Kregel Publications, Grand Rapids, MI (ISBN 0825460182) $14.95. 9 chapters, Appendix, 189 pages.  This is a well-written, practical book for families living overseas.  It covers everything from getting ready to go, living overseas, to reentering one’s passport culture.  It is valuable for missionary parents and any others who work with MKs and other TCKs, as well as those TCKs themselves who are in high school.

Blomberg, Janet R. & Brooks, David F. (2001). Fitted Pieces: A Guide for Parents Educating Children Overseas. Share Education Services, Wheaton IL (ISBN not available) $22.50. 8 Chapters, 667 pages. With 84 articles (50 from Interact) appearing in the eight chapters, this is without question the most comprehensive book available on the education of third culture kids. It is a valuable resource for people considering the education of their own children overseas.

Preschool

Bowman, Crystal. (2004). Boxes, Boxes, Everywhere! Zondervan Publishing House, Grand Rapids, MI (ISBN 0310700620) $4.95. 18 pages written for ages 2-4.  This is a well-illustrated brief book dealing with a boy packing up things in one house, moving, and unpacking them in another.  A special “Mom’s Moment”  from MOPS (Mothers of Preschoolers) is included at the end.

Gray, Nigel. (1988). A Country Far Away.  Orchard Books, New York, NY (ISBN 0531070247) $6.95.  30 pages, written for ages 3-6.  This book has nearly as many pictures as it does words about life in two different countries.  On each page it shows home, school, and recreational activities that look quite different in two cultures.  Having a baby, going swimming and shopping in a rural African village are quite different from doing them in a town in a western culture.

Elementary School

Viorst, Judith. (1995). Alexander, Who’s Not (Do you hear me?  I mean it!) Going to Move. Alladin Paperbacks, Simon & Shuster, New York, NY (ISBN 0689820895) $6.99.  30 pages, written for ages 5-8.  As suggested by the title, this book is about a boy who has decided that he does not want to move.  After investigating other alternatives, Alexander finally reluctantly agrees to pack and go—but this the last move he will ever make!

Waber, Bernard. (1988). Ira Says Goodbye. Houghton Mifflin Company, Boston, MA (ISBN 0395584132) $5.95.  40 pages, written for ages 5-9. This book demonstrates how NOT to tell a child about moving and all the distress that can cause—by having the child hear about it from someone else.  However, Ira finally realizes that saying goodbye is hard for everyone, hard for those who stay as well as hard for those who move away.

Blohm, Judith. (1996). Where in the World Are You going? Intercultural Press, Yarmouth, ME (ISBN 1877864447) $12.95.  63 pages, written for ages 5-10.  This is a book written to help children work through the process of moving.  First published by the USA State department, it suggests many things children can do alone, and some things that parents can do with them.  These activities help children to prepare emotionally, as well as practically, for moving to a new country overseas or returning to one’s passport country.

Van Swol-Ulbrich, Hily, & Kaltenhauser, Bettina, (2002). When Abroad—Do as the Local Children Do: Ori’s Guide for Young Expats. XPat Media, the Netherlands, (ISBN 90-5594-262-6) $15.95; 9 chapters, 105 pages, information for parents.  Written for children ages 8-12, this guide for living another culture follows Ori, a migrating bird, through transitions.  In addition to activities and assignments, this book also has additional information on Ori’s website to complete the interactive format of the book.

Middle School

Brammer, Deb. (1994). Peanut Butter Friends in a Chop Suey World. Bob Jones University Press, Greenville, SC (ISBN 0890847517) $7.49. 17 chapters, 179 pages.  Although it is written for ages 9-12, the issues are relevant to teenagers in high school as well.  Written by a missionary mother of two daughters, this Christian fiction is fun to read.  Set in Taiwan it deals with a variety issues such as making friends with those of other cultures, communicating with someone with a different language, and conflict with other expatriates.   The book presents a realistic look at children finding their niche in a new school in a new country.

Fritz, Jean. (1982). Homesick—My Own Story. Yearling Press, New York, NY (ISBN 0698117824) $5.99.  7 chapters, 176 pages, written for ages 8-12.  This Newberry Award winning book is a true story about events occurring in the life of the author as an MK in pre-communist China.  Though about events that happened 75 years ago, these memorable moments in the life of a 10-year-old girl are timeless.  They are still the ones faced by TCKs today, whether they are about happenings at school, on vacation, or those marked by violence and evacuation.  Parents would be wise to read this as well to see how their 6th and 7th graders may be experiencing life overseas.

High School

Roman, Beverly D. (2003). Footsteps around the World: Relocation Tips for Teens.  BR Anchor Publishing, Wilmington, NC (ISBN 1888891351) $13.95.  104 pages written for teenagers.   This book was written by a Navy wife who wrote a book about moving, and then she could find no one to publish it.  Determined to offer practical advice to people who were moving, she has now written more than 20 books for adults, teenagers, preteens, and children.  This book is a practical one including such things as crossword puzzles, find-a-word puzzles, lists one should make, and a variety of other practical activities.

Gordon, Alma. (1993). Don’t Pig Out on Junk Food: The MK’s Guide to Survival in the U. S. Evangelical Missions Information Service, Wheaton, IL (ISBN 0961775114) $13.95. 6 chapters, 9 appendices, 8 types of resources, 160 pages, index.  Written for MKs by a fourth-generation MK, this book offers helpful practical advice from MKs to MKs about all aspects of transition to the USA, from preparation to identity to relationships.  Each chapter includes great illustrations, questions for reflection, and work sheets.

College & Adult

Pollock, David, & Van Reken, Ruth. (2001).  Third Culture Kids: The Experience of  Growing Up among Worlds. Intercultural Press, Yarmouth, ME (ISBN 1857882954) $19.95.  18 chapters, appendix, 333 pages.  Written by authors with many years of experience working with TCKs, this book not only reveals what TCKs are like, but also goes on to devote 7 chapters to telling how to maximize the benefits of being a TCK.  This book is an excellent resource for parents and teachers wanting to understand their own TCK children or the students they work with in school.  It is also an excellent resource for adult TCKs wanting to understand themselves, no matter what their age.

Appendix C

Recommended Reentry Books

Here is a list of books that are available, reasonably priced, and helpful.  The following criteria were used to decide whether or not to include a book:

·         In Print.  The books listed are available for purchase.

·         Reasonably Priced.  None of the books included cost more than $25, and two-thirds are under $15.

·         Variety.  Some are written for the general public, some for missionaries.

·         Complete Data.  Price, ISBN number, and complete publication data are included, so when friends ask what you would like, any bookstore should be able to order the book.

·         All these books can be ordered on-line at www.amazon.com and/or www.mti.org (check both for prices, including shipping).  They can also be ordered from MTI by mail, by fax, or by phone.

Bridges, William. (1980).  Transitions: Making Sense of Life’s Changes. Perseus Books, Cambridge, MA.  (ISBN 0-201-00082-2) $15.95; 6 chapters, index, 170 pages.  Classic work on transition written generally for people in any type of change in life, this book is applicable to the changes that accompany reentry to one’s passport culture.

Jordan, Peter. (1992). Re-Entry:  Making the Transition from Missions to Life at Home. YWAM Publishing, Seattle, WA.  (ISBN 0-927545-40-3) $9.99; 8 chapters, 3 appendices, 150 pages.  Written by a cross-cultural worker for cross-cultural workers, this book includes sections on short-term service, what to do before you go, and debriefing in a group context.

Miller, Susan. (1995).  After the Boxes Are Unpacked:  Moving on After Moving in. Tyndale House Publishers, Wheaton, IL, (1-56179-405-8) $12.99; 18 chapters, Appendix, 169 pages.  Written for women moving in our mobile society, but applicable to returning cross-cultural workers as well, this book is filled with practical advice for women settling in their family after move.

Miller, Susan. ( 2004).  But, Mom, I Don’t Want to Move. Easing the Impact of Moving on Your Children. Tyndale House Publishers, Wheaton, IL, (1-58997-166-3) $13.99; 13 chapters, 3 appendices, 159 pages.  Though not written specifically for people in reentry, this book has many practical suggestions for people moving their children anywhere.

Pascoe, Robin. (2000). Homeward Bound: A Spouse’s Guide to Repatriation. Expatriate Press, Vancouver, BC, 2000.  (ISBN 0-9686760-0-6) $16.95; 6 chapters, bibliography, index, 192 pages.  Written by the wife of a cross-cultural worker for wives of other cross-cultural workers, this readable, humorous book is filled with practical advice for women and family life.

Pirolo, Neal. (2000). The Reentry Team: Caring for Your Returning Missionaries. Emmaus Road International, San Diego, CA. (ISBN 1-880185-07-5) $9.95; 10 chapters, resources, 319 pages.  This book is written for your church.  If your church asks what they can do to help during your return to your passport country, order one for them from http://www.eri.org/publications.html.  Have the book sent directly to them—you can’t find a better deal anywhere for your ten dollars!

Storti, Craig. (2002). The Art of Coming Home. Intercultural Press, Yarmouth, ME, 2002 (ISBN 1-877864-47-1) $21.95; 5 chapters, 203 pages.  Written by a Peace Corps volunteer specializing in cross-cultural adjustment and repatriation, this book includes sections for the spouse and children as well as sections for exchange students, volunteers, military, and cross-cultural workers.

About the Authors

We taught for 35 years in Christian colleges as well as in public and Christian elementary schools.  Bonnie taught elementary school as well as teacher education at the college level, and Ron taught psychology at the undergraduate level in college.  Our three children are all married and have families of their own.  As member care consultants with New Hope International Ministries of Wilmore, KY, we are now retired and, as volunteers, we provide member care for missionaries.  We are not licensed health care professionals, but we emphasize care, encouragement, growth, and prevention of problems rather than treatment of severe problems.  We provide such care to anyone, anytime, and anywhere at no charge for our time, usually providing our own transportation to the nearest airport and asking that those we are helping provide ground transportation, lodging, and food.  Rather than working as professionals for pay, we provide member care as amateurs in the original sense of the word—out of love rather than for money.  We have a mailing list of about 175 prayer supporters as well as about 55 financial supporters.

We do whatever we can to help missionaries.  We do not belong to any sending agency but help others as someone with no official connection to their agency.  Listed below are things we are currently doing, but we are always open to new ways to help.  Let us begin with the most general forms of help, continue with helping missionaries through their years of service, and end with specific ministries.

Websites.  We have two websites, www.missionarycare.com  andwww.crossculturalworkers.com Both websites contain brochures and books which people anywhere in the world can visit to read, download, print, copy and distribute the information free of charge to anyone who can use it.  www.missionarycare.com  freely uses the term “missionary” and is easily found when people search for missionary care.  www.crossculturalworkers.com  avoids the term so that anyone working in a culture where accessing material on missionaries would endanger their ministry can visit freely.

Brochures.  Both websites contain 40 “brochures” on topics relevant to living in other cultures and working as missionaries.  These brochures may be downloaded as .pdf files and distributed to anyone as long as they given to others free of charge.

E-books.  Both websites contain 4 E-books which can be downloaded free of charge by anyone, anytime, anywhere.

- What Missionaries Ought to Know…:A Handbook for Life and Service is a compilation of many of the brochures about missionary life.

- Coming “Home”: The Reentry Transition can be used as preparation for debriefing in a group, when being debriefed by an understanding person, or to debrief yourself.

- Third Culture Kids and Adolescence: Cultural Creations is written specifically for adolescent TCKs.  Of course, the information in it is also applicable to other adolescents.

- Understanding Adolescence is a companion book written specifically for parents of adolescents.

Database.  A database with 800 references to published material about missionary member care is on www.missionarycare.com .  Those visiting this database can find reading lists or annotated bibliographies on any of more than 100 topics.  They can also find lists of materials published by particular authors.

Missionary Care by Radio.    Trans World Radio broadcasts in 180 languages to reach people through radio.  TWR has begun a daily 15-minute program in English with broadcasts reaching from Central Asia through North Africa, and you can find out more by visiting www.mcbr.org .  TWR is adapting the brochures to a format suitable for broadcast to let Christians working in this area of the world know that they are neither alone nor forgotten.

Orientation. In an effort to decrease attrition, we participate in the training of new missionaries.  We have made presentations on expectations, generational differences, moral purity, and conflict resolution.  Of course, during our time at orientation we are available to talk privately with any missionary candidates who want to see us.

Seminars.  We present information on various topics to a variety of missionary groups.  We have done seminars on third culture kids, leadership, generational differences, conflict, anger, adolescence, maintaining mental and physical health, maintaining sexual purity, and psychology from a Christian perspective.  We have made these presentations to groups as varied as the entire missionary force of one agency, missionaries on a field, seminary students, university students, field directors, national pastors, retirees, and appointees.

Missionaries in Our Home.  Missionaries have stopped by our home to discuss issues that concern them.  We have talked with individuals and couples about a variety of topics ranging from grief to interpersonal relationships to debriefing when they return to the states.  These are often people who have met us in larger group settings such as conferences, retreats, orientations, seminars, or perhaps discovered us on our web page.

Missionaries on the Field (from Our Home).  Missionaries serving on their fields are unable to stop by our home, so we have communicated with them in a variety of ways.  Of course, telephone conversations are always helpful, and long distance rates between most countries are now quite reasonable.  E-mail is free, but the time between sending a message and receiving a reply may be rather long.

On-Site Visits.  At the invitation of missionaries, we visit them on the field to help them cope with various issues.  We do this only if everyone involved wants us to come, and we have the blessing of the mission agency.  At these times we have talked with individuals, couples, and groups of missionaries.  We are not sent by the agency, but go only when invited by the missionaries themselves.

Care of Missionaries in a Geographical Area.  We are just beginning to see the realization of a dream we have had for several years, a dream of providing care for missionaries from many different agencies in a given place.  We want to go on a regular basis to the same missionaries so that they will get to know us and feel free to talk with us, rather than just going to help in a crisis situation.  We have begun by going to Bolivia several times and talking with 30-35 missionaries from five different mission agencies each time.

Reentry.  We facilitate reentry retreats for missionaries in transition as they return to the USA.  This includes a group debriefing as we talk for two days about where they have been, where they are now and where they are going.  Currently we do four reentry retreats each year for organizations, and we are offering one at our home free of charge.  While doing twenty of these retreats, we wrote Coming “Home”: The Reentry Transition, available on our websites.

Mission Conferences.  We have participated in mission conferences when invited to give churches suggestions on how to care for the missionaries they support financially.  In these seminars we give suggestions above and beyond prayer support and financial support.

Missionary Kids.  Since we live near a college that has a rather large number of TCKs, we were very involved with them while we were teaching at the college.  Of course, now that we are retired and travel more, we are unable to keep up the same active relationship.  However, we do let them know that we are available to help them however we can, and they contact us for everything from taxes to borrowing things to personal problems.

As a result of this contact with TCKs Ron wrote Third Culture Kids and Adolescence: Cultural Creations  for the TCKs and revised Understanding Adolescence for their parents.  These free E-books are available on our websites.  We also work with youth pastors who serve TCKs in international schools.

Table of Contents

Preface

1.   Home

2.   Family

3.   Friends

4.   Thanks

5.   Goodbye

6.   Packing

7.   Traveling

8.   “Home”

9.   Friends (new and old)

10. School

11. TCKs

Appendix A: Acculturation Problem

Appendix B: Recommended TCK Books

Appendix C: Recommended Reentry Books

About the Author